Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
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[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.