Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
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In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore