dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
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Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.