I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
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Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???