According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
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A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
me doing my best
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now