Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
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boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.