Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
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I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Guy who likes music
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
B
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you