Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
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I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Bill is short for Billiam
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.