‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
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Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
So true for me
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you