Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
You Might Also Like
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.