I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
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A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel