I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
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Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road