being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
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You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*