Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
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My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.