Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
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A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ