I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
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been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him