Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
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“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse