If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
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my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.