I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
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pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*