If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
You Might Also Like
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
The dark side of Canada
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better