One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
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CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
how long have you had this for?
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Twitter is an abusement park.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat