Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
You Might Also Like
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.