Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
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Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile