‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
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co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Smile they said.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars