Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
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Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I only treason on days ending in y
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband: