The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
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Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
When someone says you are so lazy
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.