I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
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Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.