Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
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Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
This kid is going places
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man