Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
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I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
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