[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
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Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.