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Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
What’s so funny?
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.