Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
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The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.