I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
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The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.