“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
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According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.