I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
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This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
This squirrel eats better than I do
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?