Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
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*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.