Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
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Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.