I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
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*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are