20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
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If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
My five year plan is a meteorite
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.