Me: don’t ππΌ judge π other π people π be kind βπΌπ
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
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doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news π
doctor: hahahaha π
me: i’ll be here all week haha π
doctor: haha give or take
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts canβt solve
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Iβm guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they wouldβve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
you know being royal isnβt a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonaldβs drive thru that shit would go up in flames
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesnβt take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, βYou canβt believe everything you read on the Internet.β
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me thereβs a monster in her bed and I just canβt wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: Whatβs that in human people years?
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Iβve had worse
Iβm thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
βMost people on Twitter donβt send tweets like thisβ most people on Twitter are cowards
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.