My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
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The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
I…do not understand how electricity works.