“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
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I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
This makes total sense…
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.