God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
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Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede