I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
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Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Hard not to take this personally