Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
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*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Lmao
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
I am patiently waiting for your email
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?