Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
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People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
The government even made aliens boring
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.