My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
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“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]