Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
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daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
What about a To-Don’t List?
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”