[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
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There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
I’m giving up ice.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.