what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
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george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid